Thoughts In The Dark
by JeeSun
Summary: There had been a special bond between us from the beginning. A bond not even an engagement for two years and a marriage for six years could take away. [CJ/Toby/Andi]


Title: Thoughts In The Dark  
  
Author: JeeSun  
  
Pairing: CJ/Toby/Andi  
  
Summary: There had been a special bond between us from the beginning. A bond not even an engagement for two years and a marriage for six years could take away.  
  
Spoilers: Season 4  
  
Feedback: Yes, please. Either here or at jee__sun@hotmail.com I better write it's double underscores, =).  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
Note: I wanted to come up with a beautiful title but I was too eager to post. Also, I've never written anything like this before so I'd be glad if you'd let me know how I did, ;).  
  
*  
  
I look at the phone for what must be the fifth time in less than two minutes. Every time I force myself to look away because a phone that's being stared at never rings. I cover my face with my hands and sighs. Everything is such a mess and has been the latest weeks, ever since I found out about the pregnancy. All we seem to do nowadays was argue. We were arguing about the situation with the twins, over our jobs and if it wasn't that we always found something else to fight about.  
  
Often, especially after our fights, I use to think that it probably had been better if we'd never tried. We both should have known that it was doomed from the beginning. But after almost twenty years, together so close, we couldn't deny what had been there from the beginning anymore. From the first day we met there had been a sexual tension between us that I'd never felt with another person.  
  
I knew they were getting married when they asked me to come to New York over the weekend. They had been together for almost two years and the time was right. And although it was expected my world fell apart when they'd told me they'd set a date for the wedding. I was loosing the love of the life and now there was no turning back.  
  
A week before the wedding I flew to New York again to help them with the last preparations. When she tried on her dress and it was too big she began crying like I'd never seen her cry before. It was only years later that I realized that the dress probably wasn't the only reason she cried.  
  
He was acting as if he didn't care that in just a couple of days he'd commit to a lifelong marriage. It bothered me how casual he seemed about it. I didn't understand how anyone could be so casual about something like this but then again, he'd never noticed. When they read up their vows I cried silently and did my best to hide my tears. I'd never cried that much in my life and haven't since. His mother hugged me at the ceremony and said she was glad her son and wife had such a caring friend. She should only have known what kind of friend I really was.  
  
The first time she had a miscarriage I was there. I met him in the hallway at the hospital, he was too afraid to go in, afraid she'd blame him. With his eyes he asked me and I was glad he trusted me that much although he shouldn't. I took her hand and smiled slightly at her. She turned to look at me and her eyes were damp. Then she turned away and there was nothing for me to do than stay there, just holding her hand.  
  
When she had a miscarriage the third time I didn't go to New York. None of them asked me too and when I asked they thanked me but said no. So, I stayed in L.A., a whole continent between us, hurting because the person I loved more than anything was hurting as well and I couldn't be there.  
  
They called me when she'd gotten her first insemination and they thought it was going to succeed. When it didn't, it was never spoken of again, at least not too me.  
  
When they decided to separate I was surprised although I knew none of them had been happy for years. And although I tried to force myself not to, I couldn't help but feel a bit happy about it. He called first. He was drunk and he told me it was his fault because he couldn't give her any children. When I had talked to him for two hours she called. She was crying and told me it was her fault because she couldn't give him any children.  
  
I tried to be supportive to both of them but I never told them that they should try again and try to sort things out. If I had, maybe they had and they'd never filed for divorce. A month after the divorce I felt as if I was going to explode. I had had numerous chances to say what I really felt but I never did. I was too afraid of being rejected although I knew deep down, I wouldn't be. There had been a special bond between us from the beginning. A bond not even an engagement for two years and a marriage for six years could take away.  
  
So, I finally had the guts to say it and for years we've been happy but lately things have been weird. I'm pretty sure it's mostly because of the twins. Both of them have always wanted children and when they told me she was pregnant I should have been thrilled for them. But I couldn't hide my disappointment. After all, this connected them to each other forever and I'd never be a part of that.  
  
I'm looking at the phone again. If I hadn't been so damn proud I'd called hours ago. I'm closing my eyes, hopefully we'll sort things out tomorrow. We always do.  
  
Only seconds later I hear the doorbell. I sit up straight in bed and can't help but smile because it can only be one person. Slowly, but yet quickly I walk over to the door. I'm afraid of what might happen and what might be said. Before I slowly open the door I silently beg we won't argue. I'm met by an apologetic and soft smile.  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
I step aside and can't help smiling as well because this is just as much my fault and I should apologize as well.  
  
"I'm sorry," she says softly and put her arms around my waist. "I love you."  
  
I smiled and kissed her lightly on the lips. "And I love you."  
  
End.  
  
2003-04-01 


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